whirl

for a long long time i have kept silent. finally i speak up and now i'm wondering if i regret it. have no idea what i'm thinking. discussed it with june but we don't know what i want either. whatever the case, i doubt things will work out in the end. the more i think about it, the more selfish i seem. but it's meant to be like that, we want the best for ourselves. or is it? i don't want to be unfair to anyone, nor do i want to morph into a person i have told myself to despise. maybe if i had kept everything to myself and shut up, i won't be worrying so much now. she asks if i feel. i have grown numb. does the problem lie with me then? sheesh. my mind is like a washing machine now. the kind that as a child i was fond of watching- the clothes swirling in it, doing their own little dances. right now im kinda drowning in the water and soap though. rarh. hit the stop button.